Shame

Yesterday I ran into an old friend. She is a friend I made years ago, as we were first beginning our little family, but one that I only see on occasion. We ran into each other in a local store, and it was fabulous to see her again. She looked fabulous! I mean it, she really looked great. Since I had last seen her she has lost about 100 pounds. She looks amazing now, and I am so happy for her.

I am really and truly happy for her...but I am so sad for me. You see, as she was telling me about her weight loss, I stood there wondering why I couldn't do it. Why is this something that I continue to fail at, time and time again? Will I ever get it right and lose the weight?

I stood there thinking that there was no way I could tell her that I work out each day, rising at 4:30 am to get in at least one hour of workout before my day begins. I couldn't tell her because my body doesn't show it. My body still looks the same...no one would ever look at me and think that I worked out 5 days per week...serious sweating. I was ashamed. I was so ashamed that I didn't mention it at all, but kept the focus on her and how fabulous she looked, and it worked. It was all about her, and it was safe.

Shame...it's a terrible place to find yourself. I cannot hide this body I have. It is a public sign of weakness and imperfection...and I am ashamed of it.

I have a few weeks off from my typical workout routine. I will continue to work out on my own at home, but my focus will be more on getting my thoughts and my heart in shape. When I see others out and about, I want to feel confidence, and I want to be able to tell them about my hard work. I want to not feel ashamed of the way I look, or of my failure at losing the weight. I want to be okay with myself, knowing that I am working hard.

Almost more important than the weight that has got to go, the shame has got to go. Now how do I do that?

Break

I am taking a break. You won't see me here for a while. I have already deactivated my facebook account, and will be stepping back from the computer for a bit. Don't ask why...it's a shame.

Measure

I decided that I would measure my body, since weighing on the scales didn't seem to encourage me. I thought just maybe if I saw some shrinkage in the numbers, I would realize that all of this hard work is paying off, even if the pounds are not melting off as fast as I had hoped.

Six weeks ago, when Boot Camp session #2 began, I measured several of the typical "measurement spots" on myself. Talk about depressing...it was NOT pretty.

This morning, two days away from the final day of Boot Camp #2, I measured myself again.

The results? You want to know the results? Well, I won't give specifics, but here are the highlights.

Waist - minus three inches
Upper arms - minus an two inches on each
Thighs - minus one inch from each

There were more, but you get the picture. In the last six weeks, I have lost 13.5 inches total from my body. I feel good about it. I feel like I am one step closer to a "fit Anne", and I know that I am earning it...sweating like a pig, and working hard for every single inch.

13.5 inches...good.

In case you were wondering why I hide things...

The following things were actually said to me this weekend...yes, in the course of 48 hours, these words were said to my face:

"So, are you skinny yet?", then looks me over and says, "Oh." (this was said at church!)

"Well, I guess going to fit camp is showing you just how out of shape you are and how far you have to go."

"Are you going to eat that?"

Nice huh? And to be honest, there was more, but I won't even type them here. I don't care to relive it.

So I write this here and remind myself why I tend to keep things a secret. I said to my hubby, "Next time I decide to do another fit camp, and there will probably be a next time, I am not telling a single person. It's just easier to keep it to myself." Sad, but true. Just like the rudeness about what I eat and how much I eat makes me want to only eat alone and in private, the rude comments and judgements on my progress when I am working so stinking hard towards a better me, simply make me want to keep that a secret too.

Some things are just better kept to myself. Next time, it's between me and my food journal. Period.

Fear?

I was watching Oprah the other day (and NO, I don't watch her much, but I do watch occasionally if I am interested in the topic!) and she had on a past TV talk show hostess who has lost lots of weight with the help of gastric bypass surgery. As she talked, I listened intently, and later found myself deep in thought. She said that she had never in her adult life worn any size that began with the number 1. She had always been plus size, and worn a size 20 or above. It hit me...that is me. Sad, but true, that I have never in my adult life been classified as anything except "Plus Size". She went on to talk about how losing the weight was scary. She wasn't sure who she was without the weight.

The more I think about it, the more there is to this weight loss journey I am on. Just who am I? Do I really know who I am at the core, without the extra pounds? I am not sure. When I take off the mask that I wear...the one that is full of laughter and smiles and exuding the "everything is okay" and "I'm fine with it" mentality...who am I? Star said that she didn't think losing the weight would change her, but it did. She found she didn't have to be funny all of the time for people to notice her. Before, she was funny so people would notice her despite her size. I do that. I laugh and joke and pretend that I am perfectly okay with the way I look, comfortable in my skin, hoping and praying that others might be able to overlook my size and give me a chance.

So who am I? When you strip away all of the excess "baggage", am I still the same Anne I think I know now? This weight loss thing is so much more than I ever imagined.

I have lots to think about.

Debbie Downer

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post this morning, but those were the true and honest feelings I have had today.

Despite the fact that I really don't want to go, I am going to get up tomorrow at 4am, put on my workout clothes and tennis shoes, and drag myself to fit camp (it hasn't been difficult to get up and go until now).

Pray for me...I need it.

Nothing says failure like failure

Three weeks of rising at 4 AM to work out, and not just a wimpy workout.

Three weeks of striving to eat clean and making some big changes to my meals.

Three weeks of mentally encouraging myself, and having a positive attitude.

All cancelled out by one day.

One day of being degraded by another person working out.

One day of disappointing the leader.

One day with a cruddy weigh-in.

One pound lost.

All positivity out the window.

Nothing says failure like failure. Apparently it should be my middle name.

Anne Failure Jones

Sad to say, but today it fits.

Keepin' at it!

I had no idea it had been so long since I posted here. Last time, I was sharing about a moment of temporary insanity when I volunteered to go to friends' day at Boot Camp. Now, just a few weeks later, I am happy to report that I not only lived through it, but I actually enjoyed it enough to sign up for my own six weeks of sweat! I have completed the first two weeks of boot camp without missing a single day. I am claiming that as a success. I think rising at 4AM for two weeks straight is something to be proud of.

I had hoped to start seeing some results about now. You know, after two weeks of hard workouts, I was hoping I would see some changes beginning on this here body of mine. But I don't. So sad. I have been super careful about the things I am eating. After all, I am having to write it all down! If I drink it, I must ink it and if I bite it I must write it. I am eating clean and recording it all in my daily food journal. I am also recording some thoughts and reflections...that is interesting!

As for the workouts, I spend my mornings doing lots of push-ups, crunches, burpees (don't ask!), running, lunges, speed walking, squats (I bet I put in over 200 squats on Friday morning alone!), and spending lots of time in the plank position strengthening my core. It isn't pretty to watch me working out, but I am doing it anyway. I sweat like a horse! YUK!

I am so happy with the encouraging that comes with this camp. Never a discouraging word, but only encouragement from everyone you see. "You can do it", and "Great job", and "You've got this" all around.

I got some interesting feedback in my journal this week. Yes, we have to turn in those silly things for review, and they look at every single word! On EVERY SINGLE PAGE I found the note: Not enough food or You need to eat more food! Well, okay. I never thought they would be writing that on my journal, but they did. Overall, they were pleased with all of my food choices, but just feel like I am not eating enough. So this week, I am working on getting in all six small meals, and continuing to make good clean food choices.

So here I am two weeks in, 100% attendance, eating clean, and I am not noticing a change in my body. Sure, I feel good, but I want some fat to fall off! I am not rising at 4am for nothing!! I am going to focus on not being discouraged, but I have to admit that not seeing results does not keep me motivated.

One day at a time...tomorrow starts week 3. Wish me luck!!

Boot Camp

I am fixing to climb into bed in hopes of a good night's rest. Tomorrow morning I will rise at 4 AM...yes, you read that right...4 AM. I am going with a friend to Boot Camp. It is led by two people in the military, so I have no doubts it will be a tough workout. T-O-U-G-H!!

I am excited about it. It is friends' day, and when she asked if I wanted to come, I jumped at the chance. Funny, huh. Bet you never thought I would be jumping at the chance to get up at 4am and have my tail kicked, but I did.

We will see how it goes. My workout clothes are waiting for me in the bathroom, where I will attempt to get ready and not wake up anyone else at that insane hour of the morning. Shoes and socks are ready to go. I have already filled up my water bottle and it is on the counter near my keys, for a quick escape.

I'm ready......I think!

Sick

Day three at home with not one, but two sick children. Kids + Fever = Cranky

I am snotty, I am tired, and I have cabin fever. My house is a wreck and I keep cleaning it, only to turn around and find it a wreck again! Oh, and did I mention that when stress rears it's ugly head I feel hungry? Not hungry like true hunger, but snacky in the head! I just 'think' I need a snack! AARGH!

Maybe next week will be better.

Nothing Much

Not much to report...just trudging along this week. No weighing in for me right now, as I am just focusing on doing my best at eating and getting some exercise in each day!

Keep warm!

Tally-ing up

So I was thinking this morning about my 12 in 12. Not bad...not great, but not bad. Then I remembered that in the month before that, I had lost 5 pounds. That puts me up to 17 pounds in 16 weeks. Not bad...not great, but certainly not bad. It's definitely enough to be motivating. I don't plan to ever see those 17 pounds again, and am planning to leave a whole lot more along the way, never to be seen again either.

That's all...carry on.

Check *Updated*

Just wanted to record here that I have done my exercise for today! Check!

*Update* I decided I would give my body a little more exercise today, and I feel good about it! Wow...twice in one day! It's a new record! :)

Twelve

Since we have moved I haven't been able to find the scales...wonder if I threw them away?? I've never enjoyed stepping up on those things anyway! Today, however, I had no choice. I weighed in and made a discovery...TWELVE pounds in TWELVE weeks. Yep, that's a pound a week, and I'll take it. I wish it was more, but I'll take it...and I am going to feel good about it. I wonder what the next twelve weeks will hold for me??

Big Fat Loser

...and I don't mean the good kind! How horrible is it that I have already failed at this transformation I signed up for? So bad, I know. Nothing says failure like failure. It is only the 8th day of January, and I have already missed some exercise. I guess the important part is 'the rest of the story". I have no intentions of remaining in the failure category. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will succeed. A new day, and a new start...TGIF!

On the schedule...

I have some resistance training on my schedule for today. I'll get it in before the end of the day for sure!

I am currently watching Oprah, and I'll admit it's a hard one to watch. Weight is just such a public battle, no matter who you are. I could hide lots of things, but this fat on my body is not hide-able...it's out there for everyone to see. I hate it.

But this year...this week...this day, I am starting a journey towards losing that fat.

Assignment

So several days ago I signed up for a transformation. I am currently working on assignment #1, which is proving to be a challenge. Not a good sign, is it? I am supposed to take photos of myself, and write around the photo all of the things that I feel about it...or what the person in the picture feels. I have the pictures but I can't seem to make myself sit down to write the words...the feelings on paper. I am going to do it...no doubt about that, but I keep putting it of. I think I am afraid. I think I am afraid of the words I will write, and I think I am afraid of the emotions that will surface when I write those words. I have TONS of baggage (no pun intended) when it comes to the teasing and taunting and name-calling about my weight/size. Naturally, that means that I have lots of emotions connected to my self-image, and I work hard to keep them suppressed. If I write it down on paper, then I have to actually think about it...and that's not going to be fun at all. Again, I am absolutely going to do the assignment, but I'm just not looking forward to it :(

I will keep the pictures to myself for now...maybe one day in the future I will feel okay about posting them here. I truly hope that day comes...really, I do. Talk about a victory! But until then, I will make my lists and grow from the experience.

As soon as I have written, I will post my reflections here...but for now, say a little prayer for me. I need the Lord's strength as I journey through this!

January 2, 2009

Well, here we are wrapping up the second day of 2009. It was a good day...much was accomplished, and healthy eating was successful. I made some super yummy skinless sausage sauteed in the skillet with fresh zucchini and yellow squash. It was delicious, and to make it better, both of my kids ate it well, and Nathaniel commented on the yummy flavor! I am going to call that a win!

Now the kids are in bed and Nathaniel and I just enjoyed some sugar-free banana pudding left-over from yesterdays lunch at the in-laws. Now I just need to wash the dish and call it done!

Here's to starting off on the right foot!