Shame

Yesterday I ran into an old friend. She is a friend I made years ago, as we were first beginning our little family, but one that I only see on occasion. We ran into each other in a local store, and it was fabulous to see her again. She looked fabulous! I mean it, she really looked great. Since I had last seen her she has lost about 100 pounds. She looks amazing now, and I am so happy for her.

I am really and truly happy for her...but I am so sad for me. You see, as she was telling me about her weight loss, I stood there wondering why I couldn't do it. Why is this something that I continue to fail at, time and time again? Will I ever get it right and lose the weight?

I stood there thinking that there was no way I could tell her that I work out each day, rising at 4:30 am to get in at least one hour of workout before my day begins. I couldn't tell her because my body doesn't show it. My body still looks the same...no one would ever look at me and think that I worked out 5 days per week...serious sweating. I was ashamed. I was so ashamed that I didn't mention it at all, but kept the focus on her and how fabulous she looked, and it worked. It was all about her, and it was safe.

Shame...it's a terrible place to find yourself. I cannot hide this body I have. It is a public sign of weakness and imperfection...and I am ashamed of it.

I have a few weeks off from my typical workout routine. I will continue to work out on my own at home, but my focus will be more on getting my thoughts and my heart in shape. When I see others out and about, I want to feel confidence, and I want to be able to tell them about my hard work. I want to not feel ashamed of the way I look, or of my failure at losing the weight. I want to be okay with myself, knowing that I am working hard.

Almost more important than the weight that has got to go, the shame has got to go. Now how do I do that?